Christian Answers

Christian Answers is a big bucket of both the funny and enraging rolled up into one, that is often glossed over in the search for bigger fish such as God Hates Fags, but really, why bother mocking people like that when they're doing such a great job of looking stupid all on their own? People with some slightly more visible - although weak - links to reality are much more entertaining. For example, see above. The question on the Trinity is a perfectly valid theological debate topic, but it's surrounded by a disapproving man with sideburns observing a monkey screaming at a pumpkin surrounded by autumn leaves. Logic, ladies and gentlemen, has left the building.

Despite not being a screaming hole of bullshit, abuse and extremism, CA is the type of subversive, offensive and foul smelling database of misinformed, patronising and self righteous circle jerkery that makes me want to stuff my thumbs into my eyes and vomit simultaneously. It is essentially a database of questions starting "Is it wrong to..." and answers starting "Yes" (except, bizarrely, Oral sex. Suck as much dick as you like, Jesus is cool with it).

Now I'm not Christian, I'm as athiest as you can get without going on a killing spree whilst taking regular shits on religious iconography as you pass by. Religion has a lot in common with your run of the mill hallucinogen - it's nice as long as you're on it, and some very pretty art work gets produced, but unless you read the small print you won't be prepared for the killer side effects (such as the Crusades, 9/11 and Tom Cruise) which aren't half as much fun. Then there's the hangover, where your head throbs and you wonder what the hell you thought you were doing last night. That's atheism. Even so, I can look back on my days in the sunny old church and think, you know, I wasn't batshit. I read the bible and came up with some smart ideas.
I suppose my lack of judgmental angry ramblings is what dragged me out of the church - and into the real world, where I suddenly got very good at them.

Anyway, back to the idiots of the day. Christian Answers.

Lets start with their page on spanking. How young is it ok to beat your children into submission? The answer is apparently 18 months. 18 months? Now, in case you didn't guess, I don't love children all that much. But at the same time, I used to be one, and I am very much against spanking. Spanking the parents if they don't control their child in public? Fuck, yes, let me do it please. Now I've not spent much time with young children but I'm pretty sure at 18 months you're not much more than a baby, right?

I think age two is about as early as I would ever like to start with a swat on the child's popo or bumbum.

On the what (I wasn't exaggerating about the 18 months thing, check out Randy's interview answers)? Bumbum is fairly obvious but what the fricking Christ is a popo? If you're recommending that adults physically discipline their children, maybe you should recommend they use adult words for it? Otherwise it's no different from a kiddiefight on the playground.

Lets move on to homosexuality. Unsurprisingly, there's not much love for the gay scene on ChristianAnswers. Mocking this page seems a little like shooting fish in a barrel. When they're already dead, and the barrel is so full they're sliding down the sides onto the ground.

If you want more prepackaged morality, feel free to browse further. I'm onto the movie reviews. Apparently, Jesus shares my opinion on crappy Asian horror remakes:

Do not see this movie. I did not approve of it and neither does the Lord Jesus.

Of course, how Jesus made his taste in movies known to the review remains questionable. I'm voting for hallucinogenic drugs, or possibly large quantities of cheap vodka.

And as for the review of The Exorcist, well, it was always going to be a pit of lulz. But this quote is just, well, it's just amazing.

The film is not Christian. I'm actually less offended living in a homosexual district of San Diego and seeing men do stuff in the park while walking my dog than I am of this film.…

You here that guys? Men. Do stuff. In the park.

MEN DO STUFF IN THE PARK.

MEN DO STUFF IN THE PARK.